The world of comedy is relative, subjective, whatever you want to call it, but we as a society should take complete and utter pride in the fact we laugh at the most retarded things.
#1: Random Outbursts
You remember those moments when you would be sitting in the middle of a dismal classroom, while your middle-aged teacher who hasn't been laid since she said a big number out loud is trying to explain to the other dumbasses what calculus is, and someone screams, "COCKMONSTER," out of left field?
Those people with an actual human pulse quietly stared at the guy as if they just witnessed Donald Trump deck a lesbian's child in the face. Those cursed by a lack of what comedy truly means took part in uproarious, relentless laughter. These are the people who will make Family Guy quotes at your mother's funeral. These are the people who will repeatedly violate your phone line with reckless abandon to try to sell you penis enlargers. Exclaiming something irrelevant to the topic at hand is about as effective as bringing a waffle maker to a car show. It's uncalled for and makes you sound like an asshole with Asperger's.
Try to save your "wit" for sometime later, say, when you're taking a shower with your fellow football players and having giddy conversations about how bathing with other naked men isn't homoerotic in the slightest, because it's the chess club that's gay.
#2: People Shouting their Unneeded Comments Out Loud
Normally, when someone talks there's an unwritten moral code that tries to tell your brain you should shut the fuck up and pay attention. Some people have the mental strength of a zebra carcass and then we have one or two morons stating what they think in the LOUDEST VOICE THEY POSSIBLY CAN. If someone's talking about the news and mentions a little girl got run over by a Frenchman in a Ford truck you know one person, just one, is bound to make a comment about poutine or how Quebec cries over everything anyone else does because they have to get their word in. Again, those are irrelevant. I'm almost 100% certain poutine didn't kill little Suzie; the guy's driving skills were clearly so immaculate she had to get trampled by his truck's tractor wheels for them to be truly sublime.
There's also the dumbed-down variant, where someone makes a generic sarcastic comment that we've either heard on 30 Rock or during a drunken tangent on The Howard Stern Show. You should all know what they are. "Great." "Well, that's fun." "Oh that's awesome." "Fantastic!"
The list painfully goes on and on like a Money Mart commercial. Look, I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you have to say regarding whatever the hell it is the other person's talking about, so shut up and listen. Quiet whispers are more acceptable and I have no qualms with those. Screaming as if the building's about to collapse on top of you (which, in this case, it damn well should) is irritating to the rest of us who aren't your tiny group of buddies.
Otherwise we'll look at you as if you're this guy...
...and you don't want that.
Otherwise we'll look at you as if you're this guy...
...and you don't want that.
#3: Rape Jokes
Because joking about an act where an individual is cornered, brutalized, and violated to a heinous degree in a sexual conduct which then results in years of therapy, depression, potential drug use bordering on the severe and suicidal tendencies is the epitome of all things funny.
Anyone who repeatedly attempts to make humour about rape is what I like to call...
A FUCKING IDIOT.
I'll admit, I've found a couple jokes rather amusing... but that might have something to do with me being a terrible person. If someone does one every... say, few months there's not much of an issue. It only becomes a problem when someone makes it #1 on their joke repertoire and does it again and again, day after day, joke after joke; that's a clear sign they're an ignorant and unfunny fuckstick.
Do it once a day, you're probably in the clear.
Do it twice a day, you might get a glare.
Do it three times a day, you're starting to catch what I like to call HAMS -- Humourless Asshole Miser Syndrome.
Do it four times a day, you're officially infected with HAMS.
Do it five times a day, you really need to learn to shut the fuck up.
Do it six times a day, I recommend you get cobra venom injected into your scrotum.
Do it seven times a day, and it's shocking your conscience hasn't rebelled and slaughtered you yet.
What's more depressing is that people laugh at this. Those people are morons. How in Lucifer's canker can we consider ourselves good when we find amusement in one of the worst forms of depraving a person?
Marinate on that for a minute. Or go pick your nose as you probably do.
#4: Mitt Romney Jokes
I dislike Mitt Romney as much as the next normal person, and there are a few genuinely funny jokes about the guy.
What I'm talking about are the ones that are clearly written by people who want to feed off the next big thing to make fun of, so all their friends will think they're up-to-date, smart, and witty. Perhaps the worst Mitt Romney joke is Mitt Romney himself, but that's not the point.
People seem to have a penchant for joking about how Romney likes gay people as much as the Connor family likes Skynet. Thanks, the public didn't know that already and we definitely need to be reminded more on how Romney is a bigot who should rot in Kentucky. A lot of people like to think if they insert a political figure into a joke it's automatically funny. Same goes with celebrities. What's disconcerting is that others laugh when said jokes are made. Right now it seems anything to do with Mitt Romney immediately warrants praise and joyous laughter.
Moral of the story: Don't make political jokes when it's painfully apparent you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
#5: Adam Sandler
Above is not a photo from an LGBT pride parade, it's Adam fucking Sandler. If you need to ask why he's unfunny look at his Facebook page. Go on, find a single remotely amusing joke in there. I dare you.
Hard, isn't it?
He started sucking even harder than a Brazilian looking for a green card when he went on an imminent collision course with the one and only Kevin James. I think any remnants of Sandler's life force completely dissipated at that very moment. Any chance to ever bring a smile to people's faces was entirely obliterated. The greatest thing about Sandler's career was Chris Farley's cameo in Billy Madison, and that's not saying much.
His movies are tired rehashes of the same jokes over and over again... yes, Adam, we get you're fucking a girl and you suck at marriages. Yes, Adam, we get you can get frustrated at kids. Yes, Adam, it's been well-established you're more than capable of portraying a fuckwit because that requires absolutely no acting ability on your part. Punch-Drunk Love was buoyed by Paul Thomas Anderson and nobody can argue against that.
The worst offender is Jack and Jill, bar none. That movie would've been career-killing if audiences weren't mildly retarded and gave Sandler twelve movies that have grossed $100 million domestically or higher. What's worse is that studios give him massive budgets for his films; for instance, Just Go With It cost $80 million. What the fuck? Jack and Jill cost $79 million. That's My Boy cost $70 million. And that doesn't even cover P&A costs. Where the bloody hell does all that dough go?
Adam Sandler is so unfunny he's like an overly famous version of Carlos Mencia, and I'll leave it at that.
There are more things I find terribly unfunny, but the five above are all I can think of off the top of my head. That, and I'm tired... so nevermore.
