Movie Review: Silent Hill: Revelation 3-Fucking-D

Holy fuckpiss.

What a lazy, cynical attempt at making a movie. I wouldn't even classify this as a movie. This is the kind of thing Jigsaw should have made his victims watch rather than threatening to snap their heads off with a bear trap. "Hello, I want to play a game. You'll see to your left is a television and a DVD player. Silent Hill: Revelation is inside it. You will also see to your right is a soup spoon. If you can make it through the whole movie without shoving that soup spoon three inches into your neck, you will be released. Let the game begin."

There is no story progression. There is no character development. Our lead character Heather, played by some actress who should be named Ms. Anime McIcannotactfuckmyface, is an annoying genital wart of a character. Literally, every character she meets tells her specifically not to go to Silent Hill.

So what the hell does she do? You guessed it!

Another thing that pissed me off to no end: In the game Silent Hill 3 (which this "movie" is "based" on), Heather finds items that will be of use to her as the game progresses. In Silent Hill: Revelation, Heather has every single item conveniently placed in a box in her house. All she does in the movie is run around and scream with the most irritating harpy shriek of a scream you'd ever hear at badly rendered CGI monsters that don't look frightening or eerie in the slightest. That baby-robot-monster thing from Toy Story was 90 times more terrifying than anything you will ever encounter in Silent Hill: Revelation.

The editing wasn't even decent. The film also has the most annoying and moronic cuts in the history of cinema -- this is exemplified by the terrible opening which features some of the most spectacularly incompetent camerawork I've ever seen. There's one moment where Heather fires a gun at the monster on top of her, then it cuts to the monster on the ground next to a pool of blood and Heather slowly rising in the very next fucking frame. Imagine if in The Dark Knight Rises when Batman punches Bane outside it immediately cuts to Bane resting against the reception desk and Batman yelling, "WHERE IS THE TRIGGER?!" Imagine how incredibly fucking stupid that would be. That was how incredibly fucking stupid the editing was in Silent Hill: Revelation. There are blatant goofs throughout the movie that could've been easily noticed in the editing room if everybody in the crew wasn't a hopeless waste of oxygen.

There are some decent actors in here: Kit Harington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Sean Bean, and they all blow hard. Michael J. Bassett is a hack and should stay the hell away from filmmaking. Lines are delivered so horribly, so blandly... this is probably how shooting went:

BASSETT: Alright, here's your line. Just look at this person and say it, okay? Great. Action!

ACTOR: (wooden) I know where you a-- fuck, messed up the line. Can we do it--

BASSETT: And cut! That's a wrap! Great job, guys.

Game companies need to stop giving film rights for their awesome games to Samuel Hadida; pretty much everything he does is a piece of trash. Don't get me wrong, the firstSilent Hill movie for me was a guilty pleasure. Compared to this cinematic abortion it's a masterpiece. The first movie was a visual treat -- this looks like cheap garbage. It was filmed in Cambridge (and some places around Toronto I believe), a place a few hours away from me. I hope people in that town see this movie and become ashamed that they let their quaint living space become the setting of one of the worst movies ever made.

"Wow, this is like watching a thunderstorm quickly become a Category 5 hurricane."

Again, Bassett is a hack, and I'd be shell-shocked if he actually understands a single Silent Hill game. He massacres the psychological tension, the complexity, the symbolism (a pivotal part of the games), and the atmosphere that made the games such masterpieces (the first four anyway). This movie is about as atmospheric as Mercury. There is not a single unnerving moment. There is not a single suspenseful moment. At times the film is not even coherent at all. Pyramid Head is added in for who the fuck knows why. Oh right, he's recognizable, so screw the point of him, right? HA. AHA HA. THAT'S JUST RICH.

The only high point is a deliciously campy cameo from Malcolm McDowell -- nowadays it's like McDowell stars in trashy movies just to have some fun, and he takes full advantage of it and God is it ever amusing. He knew what movie he was in when he shot his scene in this.

Things are barely explained and when they are it's through wooden exposition. I hate everybody in this movie except for McDowell. I hate everybody involved in this movie except for, again, McDowell and Harington and Sean Bean. At least they have a body of work that demonstrates they don't fucking suck.

How this was released in theatres is beyond me. I hope everybody involved (save for the aforementioned exceptions) gets a special visit from Pyramid Head and gets their wasteful existences sliced in bloody half.

Okay, that's a little harsh.

But they do deserve a hard kick to the testicles.

This is disrespectful and offensive to fans of the games and fans of horror and fans of film. It's as if mid-way through post-production everybody gave the fuck up and said, "Hey, let's look for the most ways to mangle this movie even more." I am utterly humiliated for anybody who likes this film, and that's all I have to say.

Silent Hill: Revelation is rated R for nonsensical garbage and the brutal sexual assault on the viewers' minds.

Is this a disturbing trend?

By Ranter.

I've seen plenty of things in my life. The hilarious rise of Scientology? We're all living it. The time a Scientologist almost booted Oprah in the back of the head? I watched that too. Lately, however, I've been continuously exposed to this odd little slice of teenage culture...

This:

With this:

And this:

And hell, this too:

That bottom picture is a joke. A joke. For further education, go here.

As you can see, a completely unattractive stoner with Kraken tentacles oozing from his head is romantically linked to beautiful women and Kathy Griffin in 15 years if we count that last photo. Oh, my mistake; most of these stoners wear hats. Generic name-brand hats. I might be quick to judge and some of them may not even be stoners -- but rather insignificant followers who try to feign this tough-guy-who-owns-every-bitch persona -- but my point still stands. There are a variety of potential reasons regarding this phenomenon...

a) Said twiggy guy knows someone who has something (drugs or the like) said beautiful woman wants, so she clings onto him as if she's a graceful remora and he's an ugly goblin shark.

b) The persona aforementioned in my first point is considered cool nowadays and thus attractive... we live in a world where teenagers like to think they know everything and own everything, completely bypassing traditional societal conventions and ignoring things like justice and moral beliefs with unsettling ease. They did that before, it's just getting much worse. They also like to tear people a new asshole with little to no warning. Bitching is now cool, guys. Look for Jamie Lynn Spears to make a comeback shortly.

c) People wondered why Shaggy and Daphne never hooked up and they wanted to emulate it in a real-life circumstance. I don't know.

Oh sure, some may say, "But maybe they have feeeeeeeeelings," but that's sentimental bullshit. There was a time when I never saw this happen. Maybe it always has and I'm just an ignorant douche going off on a tangent. There are rarely any teenage couples I see today who are "perfect matches" with the exception of one or two, and God bless them, but that's only because the lifestyle doesn't allow for it.

Say one girl is the quiet type. Quiet, but prettier than the northern lights, so a party-hard dude goes after her. That relationship will fall apart in a single night after he tries to break his dick off her snatch. They aren't compatible. 

Same can go for this trend -- 98% of the time the guy makes Rowan Atkinson look like an Abercrombie model and 100% of the time the girl is stunning. Logically, they couldn't possibly be compatible. In the off-chance they are, that's great. For the vast majority, I'm still scratching my head as to why it happens, and I'm going to quickly get tired of wasting brain power pondering this.

Someone call a psychologist and figure this out. 

Banana Guards

By San Diego.

       If you have seen a banana, it is apt you have personally witnessed a banana case. That's correct, cases used to encompass bananas for  transport. It sounds like a great idea, right? Wrong.
 

1) Your banana has a peel, why do you need a case for it? Have you ever heard of the cliché, 'don't fix something that isn't broken?' I know what you're thinking, "but San, what if my banana gets bruised while it's idly sitting in my lunch bag?" No. Unless you plan on having some violent act happen to your bag by the time lunch comes around, you have nothing to worry about. Do you get a special case for your sandwich so it won't get bruised? Exactly.

2) After you eat the banana, you still have to bring the case around with you. You have to walk around with this. All day.
All. Day.

3) Not all bananas fit in the cases. You now have to go shopping for bananas that are correctly shaped for your case. 

4) You look stupid. I have a friend, and each member of their immediate family has a banana holder. They own four banana holders. FOUR. If we follow the formula x/y^n (y being the number of family members, and x being the number of banana holders, and n being the number of banana holders they should own), we do the simple calculation of (4/4^0) and can see that they own four more banana holders than they should.


Remember,
                    not every idea,
                    is a good idea.

**I do not claim any of the photographs used in this article as my own.

Unfunny things people find funny.

By Ranter.

The world of comedy is relative, subjective, whatever you want to call it, but we as a society should take complete and utter pride in the fact we laugh at the most retarded things.

#1: Random Outbursts

You remember those moments when you would be sitting in the middle of a dismal classroom, while your middle-aged teacher who hasn't been laid since she said a big number out loud is trying to explain to the other dumbasses what calculus is, and someone screams, "COCKMONSTER," out of left field?

Those people with an actual human pulse quietly stared at the guy as if they just witnessed Donald Trump deck a lesbian's child in the face. Those cursed by a lack of what comedy truly means took part in uproarious, relentless laughter. These are the people who will make Family Guy quotes at your mother's funeral. These are the people who will repeatedly violate your phone line with reckless abandon to try to sell you penis enlargers. Exclaiming something irrelevant to the topic at hand is about as effective as bringing a waffle maker to a car show. It's uncalled for and makes you sound like an asshole with Asperger's.

Try to save your "wit" for sometime later, say, when you're taking a shower with your fellow football players and having giddy conversations about how bathing with other naked men isn't homoerotic in the slightest, because it's the chess club that's gay.

#2: People Shouting their Unneeded Comments Out Loud

Normally, when someone talks there's an unwritten moral code that tries to tell your brain you should shut the fuck up and pay attention. Some people have the mental strength of a zebra carcass and then we have one or two morons stating what they think in the LOUDEST VOICE THEY POSSIBLY CAN. If someone's talking about the news and mentions a little girl got run over by a Frenchman in a Ford truck you know one person, just one, is bound to make a comment about poutine or how Quebec cries over everything anyone else does because they have to get their word in. Again, those are irrelevant. I'm almost 100% certain poutine didn't kill little Suzie; the guy's driving skills were clearly so immaculate she had to get trampled by his truck's tractor wheels for them to be truly sublime.

There's also the dumbed-down variant, where someone makes a generic sarcastic comment that we've either heard on 30 Rock or during a drunken tangent on The Howard Stern Show. You should all know what they are. "Great." "Well, that's fun." "Oh that's awesome." "Fantastic!"

The list painfully goes on and on like a Money Mart commercial. Look, I couldn't give a rat's ass about what you have to say regarding whatever the hell it is the other person's talking about, so shut up and listen. Quiet whispers are more acceptable and I have no qualms with those. Screaming as if the building's about to collapse on top of you (which, in this case, it damn well should) is irritating to the rest of us who aren't your tiny group of buddies.

Otherwise we'll look at you as if you're this guy...

...and you don't want that.

#3: Rape Jokes

Because joking about an act where an individual is cornered, brutalized, and violated to a heinous degree in a sexual conduct which then results in years of therapy, depression, potential drug use bordering on the severe and suicidal tendencies is the epitome of all things funny.

Anyone who repeatedly attempts to make humour about rape is what I like to call...

A FUCKING IDIOT.

I'll admit, I've found a couple jokes rather amusing... but that might have something to do with me being a terrible person. If someone does one every... say, few months there's not much of an issue. It only becomes a problem when someone makes it #1 on their joke repertoire and does it again and again, day after day, joke after joke; that's a clear sign they're an ignorant and unfunny fuckstick.

Do it once a day, you're probably in the clear.

Do it twice a day, you might get a glare.

Do it three times a day, you're starting to catch what I like to call HAMS -- Humourless Asshole Miser Syndrome.

Do it four times a day, you're officially infected with HAMS.

Do it five times a day, you really need to learn to shut the fuck up.

Do it six times a day, I recommend you get cobra venom injected into your scrotum.

Do it seven times a day, and it's shocking your conscience hasn't rebelled and slaughtered you yet.

What's more depressing is that people laugh at this. Those people are morons. How in Lucifer's canker can we consider ourselves good when we find amusement in one of the worst forms of depraving a person?

Marinate on that for a minute. Or go pick your nose as you probably do.

#4: Mitt Romney Jokes

I dislike Mitt Romney as much as the next normal person, and there are a few genuinely funny jokes about the guy.

What I'm talking about are the ones that are clearly written by people who want to feed off the next big thing to make fun of, so all their friends will think they're up-to-date, smart, and witty. Perhaps the worst Mitt Romney joke is Mitt Romney himself, but that's not the point.

People seem to have a penchant for joking about how Romney likes gay people as much as the Connor family likes Skynet. Thanks, the public didn't know that already and we definitely need to be reminded more on how Romney is a bigot who should rot in Kentucky. A lot of people like to think if they insert a political figure into a joke it's automatically funny. Same goes with celebrities. What's disconcerting is that others laugh when said jokes are made. Right now it seems anything to do with Mitt Romney immediately warrants praise and joyous laughter.

Moral of the story: Don't make political jokes when it's painfully apparent you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

#5: Adam Sandler

Above is not a photo from an LGBT pride parade, it's Adam fucking Sandler. If you need to ask why he's unfunny look at his Facebook page. Go on, find a single remotely amusing joke in there. I dare you.

Hard, isn't it?

He started sucking even harder than a Brazilian looking for a green card when he went on an imminent collision course with the one and only Kevin James. I think any remnants of Sandler's life force completely dissipated at that very moment. Any chance to ever bring a smile to people's faces was entirely obliterated. The greatest thing about Sandler's career was Chris Farley's cameo in Billy Madison, and that's not saying much.

His movies are tired rehashes of the same jokes over and over again... yes, Adam, we get you're fucking a girl and you suck at marriages. Yes, Adam, we get you can get frustrated at kids. Yes, Adam, it's been well-established you're more than capable of portraying a fuckwit because that requires absolutely no acting ability on your part. Punch-Drunk Love was buoyed by Paul Thomas Anderson and nobody can argue against that.

The worst offender is Jack and Jill, bar none. That movie would've been career-killing if audiences weren't mildly retarded and gave Sandler twelve movies that have grossed $100 million domestically or higher. What's worse is that studios give him massive budgets for his films; for instance, Just Go With It cost $80 million. What the fuck? Jack and Jill cost $79 million. That's My Boy cost $70 million. And that doesn't even cover P&A costs. Where the bloody hell does all that dough go?

Adam Sandler is so unfunny he's like an overly famous version of Carlos Mencia, and I'll leave it at that.

There are more things I find terribly unfunny, but the five above are all I can think of off the top of my head. That, and I'm tired... so nevermore.